Punching Bag Anyone?

So I haven't really felt like blogging lately. Probably because my heart has not been in the right place. I think "the wait" is getting to me and my emotions have been all over the board. The truth is, I've been asking for one of these for a while:

And nobody will get me one! Can you believe it?! I mean, this would be me:

Getting all of my frustrations out on a bag. Sounds healing to me.

Anyway, the other day Hayes put together another one of his awesome "get-ups" and here's what he looked like:

I think his words to me were, "Ok, now throw some balls at me mommy. I'm ready to defend."

Do we have aggression issues around here or what!?

As I looked at him, though, I couldn't help but think about putting on the "Armor of God". And boy is he prepared! But am I?

Hmmmm....well, if putting on the "Armor of God" means putting on worry, anger, frustration, doubting, and impatience, then, yes, I think I'm ready! And are cussing and beating your head against the wall included in that armor, as well?

Yep, that's where I've been lately. Second guessing, doubting our calling, angry that the only thing fertile around our house is the birds!

(This is the momma bird in her nest on our front porch. But I'm not bitter towards her, can you tell!?!;))

In all seriousness, I have been struggling lately and I'll tell you why. I've not been putting on the armor of God.

The Armor of God

Ephesians 6:10-18

¹⁰ Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹ Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. ¹² For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ¹³ Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴ Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, ¹⁵ and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. ¹⁶ In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷ Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

¹⁸ And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people

Instead of taking my "stand against the devil's schemes", I've been getting angry at God.

Instead of standing firm "with the belt of truth", I've been believing Satan's lies and doubting that God really called us to this wait. Surely He wouldn't want us to wait this long, right??

Instead of standing ready in the "gospel of peace", I've been letting frustration and worry take over my thoughts, my heart and my body. I've had no peace.

Instead of "taking up the shield of faith", I've questioned God's plan and his goodness.

And instead of spending time in the word, "the sword of the Spirit", which is our greatest line of defense in this earthly battle, I've been wallowing in self pity.

It's no coincidence that one day last week, as I was wallowing (and Hayes was throwing up), 3 different friends sent me this same quote within about an hour. I don't know about you, but I saw that as a sign that God really wanted to get my attention about something!

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'About the long wait and many frustrations that adoptive parents encounter on the journey...
“Oh my, I can speak to this. First, forget whatever timeline you were given at the beginning. Forget you ever heard that. Put that in the trash can. Adoption will change, shift, slow down, hit snags, be weird, be difficult, take longer than you think, take longer than you can stand. This will happen. This is the normal thing. When someone gives you a timeline, say, “Thank you for that cute little sentence. Flush.” Potential adopters, let me tell you this: Get your “YES” straight at the very beginning. Decide on it. Roll around in it. Put it on the table and shellack it. Because you cannot let every delay and snag derail your certainty about adoption. When you say YES, you are saying YES to enter the suffering of the orphan, and that suffering includes WAITING FOR YOU TO GET TO THEM. I promise you, their suffering is worse than yours. We say YES to the tears, YES to the longing, YES to the maddening process, YES to the money, YES to hope, YES to the screaming frustration of it all, YES to going the distance through every unforeseen discouragement and delay. Do not imagine that something outside of “your perfect plan” means you heard God wrong. There is NO perfect adoption. EVERY adoption has snags. We Americans invented the “show me a sign” or “this is a sign” or “this must mean God is closing a door” or “God must not be in this because it is hard,” but all that is garbage. You know what’s hard? Being an orphan. They need us to be champions and heroes for them, fighting like hell to get them home. So we will. We may cry and rage and scream and wail in the process, but get them home we will.”'

written by: Jen Hatmaker

Jen Hatmaker

www.jenhatmaker.com

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Enough said. Enough wallowing from me. (Although, truth be known, I will still have days that I cry and want to hit something.) But I'm going to remember these words and TRY to put myself aside and "fight like hell" for the precious child God has called us to wait on. If we don't, who will?



Mother's Day

I had a very happy Mother's Day, celebrating with my boys, as well as some of my family. We made it to my parents' house by dinner time Saturday night and I very much enjoyed waking up Sunday morning to a sweet little boy whispering "Happy Mother's Day" in my ear (even if it was a little before 6am!). Then Dad, Shaun, and Hayes fixed a wonderful bacon and pancake breakfast while mom and I sipped coffee in bed and visited. Quite the treat!! I am so thankful for my mom! Just wish we had more time to sip coffee and hang out!

My brother's family came over for lunch after church and "crazy Hayesie" played all afternoon with his cousins and loved every second of it!

I am definitely thankful to be the mommy to this sweet boy:

 No matter what "persona" he takes on for the day, I surely do LOVE him!

What a gift!

And of course, throughout the day, I couldn't help but think of the baby we have been waiting on for almost 2 years. Praying that next Mother's Day I have two little sweeties to wake me up.....or 3 ....or 4!:) (I've told you before. I pray BOLDLY!)

I also thought of the women yesterday who long to be mommas. And to those ladies, I pray that God gives you the desire of your heart very soon.

And finally, I thought of the birthmothers who have sacrificed so that their children can have a better life, those who will sacrifice, and of course, our birthmother to whom I will be forever grateful!

Hope your day was sweet!

Have a Happy Monday!

A Broken Person

Thank you for your response to my last post. I always appreciate your thoughts and words of encouragement!

I've been thinking about that post a lot and I want to make sure you understand something. When I write about an issue, such as racism, I am in no way talking to you from a place of "I have it all together, so think as I do." No way!! Instead, I am coming to you from a very broken place. So I guess you could say that I am just a very broken person bringing you along on this journey as I discover what God is trying to convict me of and as I try to live according to the way He is calling me to live. Some things I talk passionately about (like adoption) are things God is calling our family to, but not necessarily yours. Other things (like loving others), He is calling all of us to. But none of us have it down perfectly and I certainly don't want to imply that I do. I'm simply learning as God opens my eyes to things I need to see and then I'm sharing my heart change with you.

And all the while,

I'm falling behind on laundry:

Me: "Hayes, are you trying to tell me something by putting your laundry basket at the top of the stairs?"

Hayes: "Yes ma'am. You really need to do laundry. I'm running out of socks."

Me: "Thank you 4 year old."

All the while,

I'm hitting people from behind.

Rainy day. Took my foot off the break at a red light. Wham!

Me: (Get out of my car to look) "Oh, my goodness, sir, I am so sorry! I am such an idiot! Ugh! Is your truck ok?"

Nice Man: "Yes, I think it's fine. You ok buddy?"

Me: ??Buddy?? "Hayes, quit hanging out the window! Please get back in your seat!"

Hayes: "Mommy, why did you call yourself an idiot?!

Me: "Because I am one!!!!"

Later.......

Shaun: "Babe, did you know there is damage to the front of your car?"

Me: "No! I told you. I looked at it and there wasn't any damage."

Shaun: "Oh, there's damage."

Me: "No, there can't be!"

(took a quick peek outside)

Me: "Oh, ok. That does look like damage. Sorry."

And all the while,

I just got back from walking and all I could think about the whole time I exercised was how hungry I was. So...I'm off to fix some lunch and do a little laundry, too, I guess!

Such is the life of a broken girl!

Have a happy Monday!

 

"Write about what disturbs you....."

“Write about what disturbs you, particularly if it bothers no one else.”  

[Elaine Stein (the book editor) to Skeeter Phelan in The Help]

I love that quote! But it's one of those things that is easy to say, hard to do. Because if something disturbs you but doesn't seem to bother everyone else, then chances are, writing about it will bring controversy. And who wants that, right!?

Well, Skeeter wasn't afraid of a little controversy, so neither am I.

Racism. That's what disturbs me.

How many of you are reaching to click out of my blog right now? Well, don't. Because if you don't want to read about racism, then that's probably because you have very real issues with being racist. And if that's the case, you're not alone. I think in some way, shape, or form, we all struggle with racism. I remember someone wise telling me that as we pursue the adoption of our child of a different color, we would discover racism in our hearts that we didn't even know was there, racism we would have sworn up and down didn't exist. But it does exist. It does in you. It does in me. And it's something that has to be talked about. No matter how much it makes you squirm.

Did you read The Help by Kathryn Stockett? If not, then I hope that you at least saw the movie. I actually said that I would write about it a long time ago but I never got around to it and now I'm kind of glad. The reason is because I just read another book, The Swan House by Elizabeth Musser, and the two books are perfect to write about together. They are written from different perspectives, but the theme of both is the same. Both stories begin in the year of 1962. Both books were written about the south. Both focus on a young woman discovering the very real issues of racism, segregation, and the devaluing of human life that surround her. The only major difference is that Skeeter, the young woman in The Help, loses most of her white friends and has to move away to New York in the end in order to start over once she discovers the truth and has the guts to take a stand. Mary Swan from The Swan House, however, discovers not only the truth of society but also the real truth of her Savior. And while she experiences some rejection along the way, in the end she is embraced by her family and friends for opening their eyes as well.
These books will make you laugh and cry and I highly recommend both of them to you.

You know, there is a reason that both of these books took place in the South. Now, I live in the south and I LOVE it! But I can just hear some of my sweet, fellow southerners right now saying, "Oh, that was just terrible the way black people were treated back then. Just terrible."

But I bet that those same sweet southerners cupped their hands over their mouths when they said, "black people". Uh, huh. Can't you just see it? I know you can because you've done it! We all have! But come on! It is 2012, for goodness sakes, so let's just get it out there.

There are some people who have black skin. Some have brown. Some have white. Some have yellowish. Shoot, I even saw a man with blue skin on The Today Show one time. So let's quit cupping our hands over our mouths and say it out loud. Skin is skin is skin!

And please don't get me wrong. I am not saying that the only people who struggle with racism live in the south. Racism is everywhere! But I do believe (from a lot of traveling and a lot of conversations with others) that we are still a little too behind down here on the color train.

I have a neighbor from Chicago and she commented not that long ago about how "behind the times" she thinks the south is in terms of race issues. She couldn't believe that people around here still have a problem with interracial couples dating, marrying, etc. So I asked her, "If my brown child wants to date your white child one day, what would you think?" Her answer......"Bring it on!"

I seriously wanted to jump across the table and hug her. But since we didn't know eachother very well at the time, I refrained.

Now, I am not going to go into the "issue" of interracial couples but I will say this: If you have a problem with white people dating black people or hispanic people or blue people, then open up your bible and read it from front to back. Find a verse that says it's wrong and let me know. Because I know you won't find one! (And don't pull out the one about couples not being "unequally yolked" because that is referring to spiritual equality, not color.) And if you want to keep on believing what so many in our society believe, then go on. But I'm choosing a different path.

I choose the path represented in scripture. I choose the one that says we are to "love one another". The one that says I serve a God who is the God of "ALL nations". That we are "all ONE in Christ Jesus" and we are all "created in HIS image". I choose to obey when it says we should "make disciples of ALL nations".  And I stand with a God who "shows no partiality". The God who warns, "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect."

What do you choose? Society? Or the God of the Universe?
Do you have racist thoughts? Do you think your race is better than another? Do you? Well, if so, then you are being "conformed to this world". You are letting society tell you what to believe instead of embracing what God says is "good and acceptable and perfect".
Think on that for a while. And if you still think I'm crazy, tell God about it. Tell Him about what crazy Meg says. Then pray for Him to show you the TRUTH. Maybe you'll discover like Mary Swan in The Swan House that "the truth will set you free".
("Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:32)
Free from what you might ask?
Free from sin. Free from living for others. Free from living for this world. True freedom in Christ!

By the grace of God, I am finding that truth. And by the grace of God, I am beginning to hate every racist thought that has ever entered my mind. And I absolutely cringe at the racist words that come out of the mouth's of others. So it is my prayer as we continue this journey of adoption and one day SOON become a bi-racial family, that God will help my family to experience a "renewal of our minds", and give us eyes that see beauty and worth in EVERY SINGLE human life. That we will continue to experience the freedom that is promised when we know the truth!

I know some of you have read this and still aren't convinced. And you might be thinking one of two things:

1. She's overreacting. Racism really isn't a problem anymore.

OR

2. I'm nice to the "nice people", but what about the "rednecks", the "thugs", and the "illegals"?
(We're just being blunt here, ok?)

Here's what I say to that.

1. Racism is real. Just this year someone from another neighborhood in my city told me that when they considered moving into our neighborhood several of their friends said, "You do realize that if you move into that neighborhood, your kids will have to go to school with 'black people'!? (remember the cupped hands)

Pardon me while I throw up at that comment.

Still think racism isn't a problem anymore?

2. And if you fall into the other category, generalizing groups of people, choosing who to "tolerate", and you find yourself asking questions like this:

What about those white people who act like classless rednecks?

What about those black people who act like thugs?

What about those hispanic people who are illegal?
Well, what about them???
We all know those "types" of people exist. But those "types" do NOT define those races.

And if your world is so small that you only allow yourself to think of people in those categories, then you are missing out on living life in a full and wonderful way, loving people of all races, soaking up different cultures and giving thanks to God for his amazing creativity!!!

Yes, there are some cultural differences between races, between nations, between different areas of our country. Some human behavior is good and some human behavior is bad. But don't mock a difference just because it is a difference! Don't run from other cultures. Embrace them!

I'll be the first to tell you that I haven't been as disturbed by prejudice as I should UNTIL God opened our eyes when he called our family to be colorful. And thank the Lord that He did! I pray I never go back to being blind. And I pray that our children and our children's children will NEVER be blind......except for color blind, that is!
I pray that our sons and daughters will feel free to date any Christian they want to date (no matter their color).
I pray that our brown daughter will be able to get into any sorority she chooses one day.
I pray that my brown son will be able to walk past a group of white women in a parking lot without them locking their car doors.
I pray that all of my children; brown, white or any other color will find their confidence and worth and beauty in their creator and not in what ignorant people say or think.


Now back to you. Remember that choice you have to make? You've got to decide. Are you going to live according to what society says (placing people into groups, loving only who you choose, mocking those who are different, separating yourself from other cultures) or live according to what the ONE who created you says (loving one another, showing no partiality, renewing your mind and believing that you are ONE with your white, black, hispanic or even blue brothers and sisters in Christ)?
Which do you choose?

Open yourself up. Spend some time in prayer. Pour out love and kindness.
Remember what Abileen said in The Help, “All I'm saying is, kindness don't have no boundaries.”

What boundaries are you setting for yourself? I guarantee you if those boundaries involve placing yourself above others, and surrounding yourself only with people who have your skin color, then the Lord didn't set them for you.
Think about it.

April #s and helping out a friend

Our April #s are

#22 for a BOY

#30 for a GIRL

Please pray with us that God will move some mountains, open the floodgates, WHATEVER it takes to get our baby home!

As Hayes prayed last night, "God, please, please say ONE word, just ONE. I don't mean TWENTY, I mean ONE word and bring our baby home."

That's all it takes. ONE word from the Lord. He's that powerful and we are trusting in his power.

And, I'm writing this part in pink because some friends of ours, the Hills, are also waiting to bring home their daughter from Ethiopia. You can see their story and donate money towards their adoption if you choose by clicking HERE.

And if you can't donate, then just look at their faces and remember to pray for them, as well.

I'm about to put up another post that I hope you'll read. It's a tough one.

Happy Friday

I love Fridays! That's because it's the end of the week and we usually get to go out to eat, so no cooking for me on Friday night!:) But there is a little boy at our house who absolutely LOVES Saturdays! And this is why:

  

So happy Friday, Saturday, and...........Sunday!!

(But I might be back before the weekend is over to write about a couple of books I've read.)

 

Not Hopeless

I was having dinner with some friends the other night. One of them said that she had been in her yard that afternoon talking to her neighbor and for some reason began telling her neighbor a little bit about our story. To which her neighbor replied something like, "Why would they continue to pursue something that seems so hopeless?"

Funny, I've never really thought of our situation as "hopeless" because my hope (most of the time) is in the ONE who called us to do this. BUT, I do understand why this neighbor, and possibly some of you, would think so. I mean, we are pursuing a baby we've never seen, in a country we've never been to, in a process that is changing and becoming slower all the time. Yep, pretty tough. And yes, definitely a leap of faith. But hopeless? Not at all.

I remember when my sister and brother-in-law were called to go live in Malawi, Africa for a year (with their 4 children!). I was devestated! How could they leave ME for a year? How could they miss Hayes' first birthday? AND I just knew that I would get pregnant again and they could possibly miss my entire pregnancy and the birth of a new child!! (ha! that obviously wasn't a problem!) And what about their children? Would they even remember us when they got back?

Well, you can see that in the beginning, I obviously did not understand God's calling on their lives and there are probably 2 reasons behind that. First, I was selfish and didn't want to understand it. And second, because it wasn't my calling. Sometimes it is hard to understand someone else's calling when you haven't been called to it yourself.

All this is to say that I understand people (possibly some of you) not totally understanding our calling. So let me put it another way.

Remember those hikers from the US who supposedly crossed into Iranian borders and were taken into custody for 2 years!? Well I remember seeing their mothers interviewed numerous times as they desperately tried to get their children back home. They fought hard, possibly prayed, and held on to hope that they would get their children out of Iran and back to the US.

That's kind of how we feel. It's like having a child trapped in another country (although thankfully not a hostile one) and we are trying desperately to get them home.

A common question: "Why don't you just switch to another 'faster moving' country?"

My answer: Well, as of now, we don't have a child in another country, no matter how fast those other countries' adoption processes are moving. Just like those mothers who fought to get their children home from Iran, I am fighting to get my child home from Ethiopia. So why would we look in China, Haiti, or the US for our child that we KNOW is in Ethiopia?

SOOOOOOO......how do we KNOW???

Great question!

When my sister's family was called to Malawi, I wish I had understood like I do now. But at that time in my life, I had never had the Lord speak to me as clearly as He does now. And that's because I didn't understand what it meant to surrender my life plans and strive to live according to God's. (and that is a daily struggle for me, by the way!) In fact, I've been so wrapped up in timelines and dates and "what-ifs" lately that I've been making myself miserable and I know that the Lord has been telling me once again, SURRENDER! Just SURRENDER!

I think that is the first step in opening yourself up to God's calling on your life. Surrendering to Him and putting your own plans to the side, opening yourself up to the Lord and saying, "Ok, Lord, here I am, incapable of doing anything on my own. What do YOU want me to do? What are YOUR plans for me?" And really, it is only by God's grace that almost 2 years ago we said those words and He made it clear that He wanted us to adopt from Ethiopia. (You can read that story HERE.)

I could never really explain how we KNOW. We just do. God made it clear to me and then to Shaun and He has reassured us many, many times along the way. So unless He changes our course, we are sticking to it!

I've been asking the Lord lately to show me some scripture that can encourage me right now or even put me in my place as I struggle with the wait and doubt his goodness.

One verse that has been thrown in my face over and over lately is Ephesians 3:20, "Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us....."

Do you doubt that God is at work like I do sometimes? And do you believe that God is limited in what He can do? Well, he is at work and he's not limited! In fact, I can't wait to see what (or WHO) He is working on right now that is "immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine".

The other scripture I am clinging to right now as the Lord reminds me to surrender, which in turn makes me feel weak, which in turn makes me completely speechless and confused on how to pray...... Romans 8:26-27, "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will."

Praise the Lord that when I feel weak and have NO IDEA what to pray, the Holy Spirit intercedes and does it for me!! Because that's where I am right now. Believing in our calling, yet struggling to surrender. Trying to surrender, but hating the feeling of being weak and helpless. Confessing to God that I want control and trying to give it all up. Yet trying to understand how to pray and what to ask of my God who is strong when I am weak and capable of doing more that I could ever understand.

Confused? Me, too!

That's why I'm depending on the Holy Spirit to clear things up for me!!:)